A Story of Myself

Novels are an inherently unique entity, and part of what makes them so appealing to me is their ability to surprise, shock, or maybe just make me laugh. When a novel affects me, it's usually because I've got something out of the novel that I didn't expect. If a novel were written with me as the protagonist, I'd likely put it down for this reason; I'd expect too much from the character and the character would only be believable if these expectations are fulfilled.

When a novel opens up a character's life to me, I expect to meet someone new in this character. I expect that the character will surprise me and show a new way of responding to life. What often surprises me about these characters is that they often also hit home for me. Whether it be a philosophy they live by, or a similar experience that the character and I share, I can relate to the character on a deeper level. It's enough to make me direct the conversation I have with the character back onto myself and evaluate my own experiences: how the characters change my sense of identity or how the characters represent something I'd like to experience. If a book were written where I was the protagonist, there wouldn't be that initial hook of an original character, the original mystery which draws me in.

I suppose it might be comforting to see the character arc of myself as protagonist, or to see the purpose placed in my character (recognizing these things in myself as I read), but comforting is not what I usually look for in a story. I'd like to think that good stories change people, and I do not believe there's much potential for a story written about a person to change said person in real life.

In Antoine Wilson's Panorama City, the narrator (protagonist) is slightly off, probably due to mild autism. Oppen is a little clueless when it comes to social conventions, but this is exactly what makes him such an appealing character to follow. There is something strange in the way he responds to the world around him, but these unusual responses (and especially his commentary on them) make him an interesting character for me to read. The analysis he provides for his actions is often sound, but it's still strange and refreshing for the reader. It is a wonderful combination of utterly outrageous (who actually buries their father in the front yard?) and subtly human. Just this combination is enough to attract the reader with the novelty of the character while surprising the reader with the character's universal qualities.

If I were to be a protagonist, not only would the story bring little insight into my own life, but the story would have to flatten me into a character with a certain meaning. It might bring meaning into my story where there should be none, and it might further obfuscate the areas of my life that I can currently find meaning. This might be a story for others to read and respond to, but the story would be rather pointless for me.