The Oldest Story

Now it really depends who you ask, but some will say this is the oldest story in the world. Do they have any authority on the matter? Oh, I don’t really know. But let’s for a moment, about 500 words, pretend that they do.

            Somewhere in Southeast Asia, say modern day Laos, there was a tribe of rather advanced apes. There was Ooh-Ooh, Ah-ah, and the ever eloquent Eee-ee. And then there was poor, hairless, straight-standing Ug. Ug didn’t fit in too well with the rest of the tribe. He was a bad feces thrower, couldn’t really climb a tree, and frankly never had much luck getting groomed by females. And then he saw Ugita. She was different too. Hairless with big hanging breasts. And so the two misfits left, and hand in hand Ug and Ugita went out into the world.

           

The first night alone, they spent in a cave. It was cold, but they found warmth in each other.

            “Ug’s tail funny” said Ugita.

            “Not tail” said Ug.

            “Oh it soft.”

            “That feel good”

            “Oh it growing!”  

            “Hold still, Ugita.”

            “Ooh.”

            “Eee!”

            “Ah!”

            “Aawww.”

            And so Ug and Ugita found they were meant for each other. 

            The hairless couple kept each other warm many nights for the next few months, acting as each others’ blankets. But then Ugita’s belly began to swell. And swell. And really swell.

“Ug have bad feeling about this” Ug said.

And then the belly swelled so much, it burst and another hairless ape popped out.

“We call Ug-Ug!” squealed Ugita.

Ug didn’t like his new life. The days of wandering from cave to cave and keeping each other warm were over. Now he and Ugita had settled in one cave. And Ug spent all the day hunting and gathering food. And Ug-Ug was a loud baby. He cried a lot. Ug was a tired when he came back to the cave. He wanted peace. He spent less and less time at the cave.

“What wrong Ug?” asked Ugita one night.

“Nothing wrong”

“Lie. Ugita see you sit in wheel long time before you come inside. Why no want to come to cave right away?”

“Ug tired” he responded.

“Ug never notice Ugita anymore!” Ugita proclaimed.

“Yes Ug do.”

“No notice new dirt and leaves in Ugita’s hair!”

“Ug think dirt and leaves great.”

“Ug not serious” she pouted. “Watch Ug-Ug while Ugita make fire.”

“Ug tired. Ug go get cigarettes.”

“What cigarettes?”

“Ug no know. But Ug need right now.”

The years passed by, Ugita grew gray, Ug-Ug grew quieter, and Ug never came back.  Ugita was stressed but accepted life as it was. ‘Ug probably killed by cigarettes,’ she reasoned. She put all her energy into Ug-Ug. But she grew concerned about him.

“Why you sit and paint cave walls all day?” she asked one day.

“Like to paint.”

“No meat in that! Need become hunter-gatherer”

“But no like hunting. Or gathering” protested Ug-Ug.  

“Cave painting stupid! No one care!”

“One day will care!”

“No woman want cave paint! Woman want man who hit with club and drag to cave.”

“That not right” proclaimed Ug-Ug, “That barbaric.”

“Ug-Ug no understand!”

“You too old. You no understand. Times different now. Woman no want to be clubbed and dragged.”

“You never get woman!”

“Just want paint.”

"Oh, world better before. What happening to world!"

"World will be fine. Change good. Now go. Want to paint."

And anyways, that’s the oldest story know. What happened to Ug? And Ugita? And Ug-Ug’s burgeoning career as an artist? Well, being the first story ever, there really isn’t much attention to endings and plots and all those things. Those come around later. But what we do know, is the world kept on changing, whether people liked it or not.